u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
