why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
