I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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