Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
