Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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