peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
