K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
there is puke in my bra ... again
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