I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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