Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
