I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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