my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
