I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
zippers are such a cool invention
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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