The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
