I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
