I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
