I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
