He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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