I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
