i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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