Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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