In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
