why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize