yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
