he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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