My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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