she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
