I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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