two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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