I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
