i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
