i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Do vagina's smell?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
