can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
