Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
