Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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