Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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