There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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