Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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