The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
