Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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