I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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