Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
