my phone needs a breathalizer
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize