The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
