Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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