I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We left the knife in your bed.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
