turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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