It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
