Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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