I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
