i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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