Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
