And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
