saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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