Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There's always time for handjobs
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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