whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
