her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
