when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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