Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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