Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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